*Dear Lord, i Must Confess, I'm in a depressive state of mind*
There was a time when I was so0o0o content with my body weight. I mean I wasn’t by any means the token skinny chick, but I was comfortable with my weight as it corresponded with my height. I was fairly active, I had a gold’s membership, worked, was basically constantly busy, and every summer I would decrease in size. The smallest I‘ve ever been was a size 10 and that was in high school and I’m 5’9/5’10 so I always carried my weight well. Unfortunately, this all changed a few months ago. My grandmother r passed away on November 9 2008, and I still haven’t been able to cope with it. I know she wouldn’t like to see her children grieving for she went home to a place where there are no worries and beauty is everlasting. I understand that earth is just one of our many stops during life and we must remember that we are all just passing through. However ,as days go on, the sorrow continues to engulf me, it doesn’t get any easier nor is it suppose to. I mourn for her every night and its hard returning home and realizing she is no longer there. After her death I fell into a slight depression, especially since on the day my family called to make me aware of her passing I was too busy with a dude to even answer the call. I guess I feel a lot of remorse over that, and feel like I never really got the chance to formally say good-bye even though I had seen her 4 days prior. I miss her more and more everyday and the agony that I feel is on such a high level I just don’t know how I can explain the amount of pain I feel. After her funeral, once I returned back to school, I often found myself bathing in my tears while crying myself to sleep at all times of the day. I slept literally for hours, if I wasn’t sobbing I was sleeping. It was as if I flipped my switch to enter hibernation mode. I didn’t go out or party like I use to, I no longer had the urge. I wasn’t attending the majority of my classes due to sleep, that was all I wanted to do. Before I knew it I noticed my weight changing rapidly, I guess I was literally sleeping and eating 2 key ingredients for disaster. Here I am many moths later and 50 pounds heavier with the constant reminder that I have no one to blame for my unhappiness but me. Why is it that, when women are unhappy, dissatisfied with their overall life, or going through a depressive state of mind we tend to show it in our physical appearance?? I don’t want to say we eat our feelings, but damn when push comes to shove, when faced with hard times we appear to have done exactly just that… When I look in the mirror, I can’t help but think of that movie “death becomes her”. If you have never seen nor heard of the movie its about 2 rival women both seeking and finding the potion to eternal youth and beauty. They both vide for the attention of one man who ultimately killed himself and they learned the hard way that beauty is only skin deep and the price of being vain is an enormous one. It sounds like a sad flick but it was actually a comedy, you guys should rent it. The movie opened with a morbidly obese chick sitting down glued to the TV while eating what appeared to be cat food or dip straight out of the can as she watched her ex husband marry a big time actress for all things materialistic. The movie just further stresses the fact that most women value their worth based on appearance alone. When we gain 10 pounds we act like its 100 and that it’s the end of the world. But In actuality, the woman’s body fluctuates in weight for a variety of reasons. ::Sidebar::: As I type this I sit here sobbing, just hating myself with plans of starving myself till further notice all b/c I act as if my body alone defines me when it doesn’t. I’m so much more than an appearance, I have a brain and offer so much more than just a fat ass small waist. Women we have to respect all aspects of our body including our mind and soul, its not always all about the body. Yes I will be in the gym 2 hrs a day and running the track at night but I no longer need to let myself feel down and out. All I can do is improve my situation b/c at the end of the day, crying doesn’t accomplish anything. Woman need to learn to appreciate what they have and not to allow the little things to break us down, at the end of the day we are lucky to be living and experiencing the ups and downs of life..
Signing Off ::Muah!
Signing Off ::Muah!
